I teach you things.
  what do you want to...
learn?
But if you know?
     Do you really need me?
to tell you
      right wrong
     be better
    like this
  this way or that

You do know
 can I affirm?
Do you need my affirmation?

I'll give you everything
and with that I'll give you nothing
I'll give you "detail"
with that I'll give you everything
and so I'll give you?

Build yourself
    I'll help you as a mirror
As something to fight against.
    something, against.
Do not go along out of easiness
Question, doubt.
   I'll never be right
     or wrong for you
  you are... Be your own
guiding light
Lighthouse,
in the dark





You feed me
with your....
presence, voice
touch
    image
       movement
  gestures
   emotions
      feelings

I take it in.
I'll take it in
Do I want it or not

I'll take it
    eat it
and feed it back to you
as presence
    voice
   laugh
     touch
cry
   movement
image, emotions
    feel it


I saw you
I will feed you with my image of you...
You'll eat it, make the picture as part of you
or
Put the picture aside and
compare yourself to it.
Who's image are you?

Mine?
Yours?
But by yourself you never are
You are a picture of me and her and him.
image
of an image of an image
Yourself


7th wave

What is seventh?
What is a wave?
To be able to define the seventh wave I have to define a wave.
I have to define a start.

When does a wave start?
Where does a wave start?
What is a start?

What is an end?

When does an ocean start?
Where does an ocean start?

I can see the boundaries, but is a boundary same as a start?

Where do I start?
From skin? From hair, inwards?

I'm living in a culture with a linear sense of time. It starts, it ends, or it goes on forever, both ways.

If my concept of time would be cyclic how would I define a start, an end, seventh?

When do I start?

History repeats itself, but it doesn't go in cycles.
It's the details that matter, and they do matter.

History goes in waves, tides.

How does a wave go?
What is a wave?
Does it consist both, the hill up and the hill down?
The top and the bottom?
And if it does or if it doesn't, where does it start and where does it end?
Where is the point where one starts and the other one ends?



To be there, always

Here we are, on a train again. Places pass by as well as time as well as thoughts. Do you ever wonder who lives in here, there, in all these small places where the train stops. Places that don't mean anything to you, just distance poles on your journey, but to someone it's home.

It's nice to look at people, getting off the train. Some know exactly where they're heading, alone, sour, happy, thoughtful. Some look puzzled as they weren't sure is this the right place. They look worried, even, until their face lightens up to a smile. The whole of their being changes as they see the one, or the ones for whom they've come or to whom they're returning to.

The time changes, little by little. Now I've been traveling this six hour trip more or less frequently for four years. Now, a trip of hour or two on a train doesn't seem long at all, even this 6 hour trip doesn't feel long for the most of the times. I know it is.

Have you noticed how your mind and thoughts and feelings change when you're making the space between one place to another? Of course I don't know about you, but mine does, change. The weather, the whole atmosphere of myself changes. And it isn't related to the place I'm leaving. And it isn't related to the place I'm going, heading, necessarily. It's related to the journey itself, the change from one place to another, from one time to another, either way.

To me, it's difficult to be happy in anywhere.

How do you usually travel? Train is so different from a car. In a car it depends who is driving and if it's me, how am I driving. Are you as relaxed in a car as in a train, or ship, or airplane, I might ask? Sometimes it's awful to sit in a car. All the other cars passing, going, moving and do I trust the driver? Am I sure he or she will notice every moving thing? Am I willing to stay passive, passenger?
In a train I don't feel I have much choice, and most of the time you see houses and trees and sky and sun and night and light and things that are close but far enough. On those six hour trips usually it's just me who is moving. Or not me, train, train is moving.

Here's a game to play: When you know you're approaching a station or a stop, close your eyes. Tell me, you, him, her, when you've stopped, in relation to the ground. Then tell me, you, her, him, the moment when you start to move again. How do you move? Sometimes trains stop and take off so easily, gently. Sometimes they don't.

Everybody knows this: You have another train by your side, and it moves? Or maybe it's you and the other one is still? Or maybe you're still and the other one is moving?
   Close your eyes.
     Keep them open.
      do you move?

Moving...
   Travel...
  Thoughts...
    Time...
They all have relations, connections, comparisons, without them, they do not exist.
If this thought doesn't relate to anything, it does not exist.
It's simple, right?

There's a difference, 500 kilometers, six hours, a lot of different stops and starts in a lot of different places. Different weather, different people, different mood.

If places, where we stay, do change us, how much traveling does, change, me or you or me and you or him or her, us? Do you feel yourself changing? Do you... feel... change?
It's important.

Are you alone or not? Even this train is crammed, I'm alone. I do not know you, or anybody here.
I do not relate. Except in time and place, space.
But if we do, and we do, relate in time and space, in this train, how can I be sure that we don't relate also in thoughts? We share the time, we share the distances, some shorter, some longer, and we are alone? Do we share thoughts?

Something funny happens, you laugh and you hear others laughter and right then you share the thought, idea, or just a glimpse of it. And we are not alone, we are together, maybe just a second or two, but we, who are laughing, are together.

With friends I'm not alone if I have the courage to share, and with friends it shouldn't need courage, anymore.

I wasn't there for you.
I am here for you.
I won't be there for you.

That's how it goes,
we travel.

To be there, always, doesn't need planning. It can help, but it can also make things more difficult since, plan is a plan, plan is not what happens.

To be there, always...
 Close your eyes
  Keep them open
   Do you move?


Right, left, it's best to forget
Left, right, I might as well die
Right, wrong, you got to hold on
Wrong, right, let's stop for tonight
White, black, please carry me back
Black, white, no reason to fight
Do, don't, damn right I won't
Don't, do, are we always such fools
Stop, rewind, you can call it a crime
Rewind, stop, let your eyelids drop
Wake up, goodnight, the time goes flying
Goodnight, wake up, I remember you not.


We are defined by our sex, it's the first question people ask. And usually we're seen as a boy or a girl, straight from the born, not as a child. And our sex is boosted, by little things. No blue for a girl, no red for a boy. It's also to make people recognize more easily, she or he. And if you dress a baby in pink, most people will automatically assume that he's a girl. And maybe after two or three months of correcting every day "actually, he's a boy" you would get fed up and dress him in blue instead.

How much the sex/sexuality defines who I am?
What can you find out by knowing am I male or female, straight or gay?


Time, Space, Agony


I have nothing to do with anything. I do not relate right now. No empathy, well, there never have been much of it.

No sense
Nonsense
I'm tense
Frequent
Sequence
Deep end
No jumping
Free gliding
Free riding
I'm hiding
In sequence
Frequently
Grounded
Hunted
Wanted
Forget
Untied
Unchained
No free
No go show
Waily waily
 It takes a lifetime to die.
You know how it is.
Just when you got to know.
When knowledge turns to understanding.
Death awaits....
What? oh please
No go show
Give in, take out.
No space, take it
forget
Remind
No mind
I don't mind
Behind
Low dime
Proclaim
Shame
game
pain
vein
vain
gone
 Do take me
Seriously
Do not take
me seriously
Love me for
what I am
Love me for
what I'm not
Nevermind
Too much, too soon
More or less
I hate it.


I'm living in a state of a constant dying, some parts of me die every second.
I'm also in a state of a constant born, new ideas, new cells born, evolve and die.
I'm in a state of a constant, continuous change. I'm not the same me I was year ago, month ago, week ago, day ago hour ago, minute ago, second ago,
Still I continue staying me, every second.


We are living in a world of choices.
Every second we make a choice or several of them.
There's no such things as "must" or "have to"
I have always an option, another choice.
And since all of my choices are made by me, I'm also responsible of every one of them.
This is terrifying.
That's why most of us want to forget the reality and make one of their own where "must" and "have to" exists.
That's why most of us wants and needs a strong leader.
We want someone to decide for us.
We want to get away of our responsibility.